Since it was 12/13/14 I figured I would come up with a few songs to work on, but in the end, it became another finished album. Recorded, Produced, Mixed and Mastered in one day by me and perhaps the only time I have done this with workable songs. The echophonic years are different, the old man had a reel to reel, tapes were cheap and I had some percussion and knocked a lot of them out. Most are unlistenable but I was in my early teens.
The Townedgers themselves, Geoff and Martin have taken to other tasks in life and the band has not recorded much together since 30. Martin continues to go into production and helping other bands get going, Geoff has his daughters and I have myself to contend with.
Like anything else, the Saturday recording session had problems right from the start. Somehow channel A on the four track is not working anymore and the six songs recorded had to be scrapped and recorded on another channel. And of course the other problems (Flubbed words, missed guitar chords etc etc), so basically I did a lot of improvising and came up with the songs of note.
Shooting Star
Star!
Better Days
Avenues
Still Strangers
Cocaine Train (R.Smith/R.Swearingen/D.Lancaster)
Somewhere Down The Line
Realitesville
Country Life
Wolfie
Dear Lisa
Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever (R.Smith/N.Passmore)
And a bonus track (Track 14) The Road You're On
I really didn't get too deep into the catalog, but rather on the songs that I could find the lyrics. Except where noted I wrote the songs. The idea was to simplify some of the longer versions of songs (Shooting Star and Star!) from their previous arrangements. Star! was the first time I attempted to do the song in about 20 years and basically I would have forgotten all about the song had I not stumbled upon the lyrics. The person in question was Melissa, a strip dancer that I was friends with when she came into town in 1990 and like any other naive person thought this would go somewhere. It didn't and this song came about after a falling out over something trivial. I would see her one more time in 1991 which the song Sweet Melissa was written. A much more fonder farewell than Star!
But there's song that I wanted to redo. Somewhere Down The Line was one of them with a tagged ending that differs from the original. And of course Wolfie which was the hit single from Forthcoming Trains. Somewhere Down The Line i had to redo four times, the third got erased by accident. Two songs were helped by other folks, Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever came from a set of lyrics and some words that Nicole Passmore, thought up when we met in St Louis around 2009 and started to see each other. She's not musically inclined but she does have a habit of thinking some lines up for song ideas. She helped me on a couple more songs. Cocaine Train, on the other hand goes way back to 1983 as a filler track for Living In The Twilight Zone and I didn't think much of the song till my BFF buddy Russell Swearingen picked it out, (to the fact that it had Cocaine for it, I donno) and Dennis Lancaster thought up of the guitar riff, I think he added another chord in there somewhere, but whenever I performed this song, I usually do the arrangement to what I know. The words are all mine, but Russ and Dennis gets credit for the music.
12/13/14 is the working title. A couple more songs come from the 1980s. Since I have a catalog of more than 20 albums from 3 decades to choose from, a few songs come from the early 90s since I have the notebooks of the lyrics from that time around. Some albums were left off, Town's Edge Rock was one, Modern Problems In Reflected Living another, so was The Road Less Traveled or Long Time Forgotten. I did pick two from Pawnshops for Olivia and two came from Diamonds In The Skies. The recording (when the recorder would work) was fairly easy, and the new CD Recorder that I did the mixing and mastering on, took about an hour to make it sound presentable. It was easy, I recorded into one channel with guitar and some delay effects to sweeten up the sound. It's a mono recording but I did pan things off to the right to give it somewhat of a stereo sound. No drums were used, no backing vocals or other guitars. Just me and my Guild Acoustic unplugged and stripped down arrangements. No hassles with outside producers or band members either.
I am not comfortable about using my name as a solo artist, I prefer The Townedgers be it me incognito or with other guys in tow but this is a solo record and I don't know if it's going to lead to the next recording as Rodney Smith. The Townedgers are owed one more album under that name. We'll see what the future holds.
But for now 12/13/14 is what it would be like if I played an coffee house or solo. It's not perfect but it's an presentation of how I would sound with guitar in hand and a few songs to sing. But I can live with the results.
Sunday, 14 December 2014
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Thoughts Of The Townedger November
I have been enjoying my second career as a DJ on Lucky Star Radio, hosting Townedger Radio on the third Wednesday of each month that begins at midnight CST. But here we go with the latest installment of what I give my opinion and nobody gives a shit?
Since the weather has been shit, I turn my attention to recording what will be the last chapter of The Townedgers as a music collective. But we have no songs to speak of, and basically haven't thought much of putting new songs down, even though Radio Maierburg Records would like to have something for 2015. Really pointless to make albums outside of my own enjoyment. But I continue to promote the songs via Townedger Radio. Nobody else will promote them.
Don't look for a Tyrus reunion anymore. We have two extreme right wing viewed guitar players. They will still remain brother and arms but if I hear one of them bitching about Obummer they might get decapitated with a 22 inch swiss knocker. One plays whammy bar and the other a one note lead. The more reliable is making a decent living flying airplanes. He's moved on.
As I sat down to a Mexican dinner with Russell for the first time in months, we discuss ways of making one last attempt to get together and jam. When we stick with bar tunes, we are one and the same, not much so when it comes to my own stuff. It's a difference in styles that clashes with the simple melodies of The TEs. Then again I tend to really shy away from those who disagree with the melody philosophy of The Townedgers, they're not progressive rock, it's simple melody concurring with the thoughts of my mental state at that time. Some albums are very much a diary and I rather not have them being altered. And the personal nature of Pawnshops Of Olivia make it hard to revisit some of those songs. But Forthcoming Trains was, for the first time in years, an album that I just went on flow and feelings and what was written on the spot.
I do admit this, that paying more attention to see what I can find in the pawnshops or dollar bins at thrift stores took priority over my drumming and band activities and had I proceeded to translate that into my drum playing that perhaps I could rival Neil Peart or Gavin Harrison but I was a record collector first and musician second. Therefore The Townedgers were just that, a curio band that hardly anybody heard outside of friends and a couple fans. A hobby but it's a hobby that I happy to play from time to time and be happy with the results. Not all of it works but the ones that do stand out sound good on the radio when played. Perhaps I'll put the best together to make a decent best of. Hopefully I can find the right 12 songs for that. Maybe somewhere down the line I might get some faraway fans to seek me out for a comeback, just like they did with Rodriguez.
When you reach the 50s, time becomes more precious than when you were 30 or 40 and that there's no guarantee that you'll be around tomorrow. I don't think I am punishing Russell or blowing him off when talk of getting us back together to jam, shit happens in life and it has happened in bunches this year. We have work, he has golf on the weekends when the weather is over 40 degrees and basically lives a full life with his wife, doggie and cats. I'm not much of a cat fan and even less so when I'm around cats with attitudes. I'd love nothing more to wall Louie up in the bass drum and get a double bass petal and do Slipknot solos. There some cats I like, Bud and Lovie up at my brother's work place, Cosmo a few examples, but Louie creeps me out half the time. Which explains why I don't show up much over at my best friend's place. Plus he lives way across town.
I sold Matt, Russ's son my old Yamaha drum set to which Russ mentioned that they're now over at his place since Matt has gotten married and living a full life of work and school and no time for drums. So actually I'll be playing my old set that was a big part of the classic record years of the early 90s up to 2003's 20 before the DW replaced that set. So at least I won't have to tote my drums down there. The question remains of finding time from our busy life and playing together. But while my best friend continues to dream about a world tour and big recording career just like the old days, I'll be content with just getting together and jamming and perhaps maybe get to the corner bar for a fun filled evening and having a good time. And picking the best 3 cymbals instead of the usual 49 that I used on the last Tyrus show. I still have to haul these things without any help and I'm 53 now.
The Townedgers themselves, Martin continues to produce and record up and coming acts, Geoff is playing in his daughters band and we have not done much communicating since Forthcoming Trains wrapped up. Geoff played all over 30 but not as much on Forthcoming Trains which left me to do a lot of the guitar parts. But I have done that in the past as well. A band collective means anybody shows up gets credit for the album but I don't really reveal who played what on the songs. But we all know who did what on them.
It's a been 15 years when I first met Lisa and it was a year ago that we last emailed each other. Things happen in life and you either grow together or grow further apart. But I do give her credit for inspiring me to write a great album based upon our time together. We were not destined to grow old together but all the same I enjoyed the time we did spend with each other.
My favorite albums of 2014? Not a very long list but the ones that stood out was the Dylan Basement Tapes Raw album and The Strypes Snapshot. The worst one? Lana Del Rey Ultraviolence, I didn't get that one at all.
Going to St Louis was a fun time and I went there between the Ferguson riots but my place of sanctuary The Chain Of Rocks Bridge has been neglected once again. Some fuckers defaced and tagged up the fire engine and the once pretty Route 66 sings. Can't have anything nice down there. Nobody cares anymore.
The future of the TEs after the next album, I can't say. One day at a time.
Since the weather has been shit, I turn my attention to recording what will be the last chapter of The Townedgers as a music collective. But we have no songs to speak of, and basically haven't thought much of putting new songs down, even though Radio Maierburg Records would like to have something for 2015. Really pointless to make albums outside of my own enjoyment. But I continue to promote the songs via Townedger Radio. Nobody else will promote them.
Don't look for a Tyrus reunion anymore. We have two extreme right wing viewed guitar players. They will still remain brother and arms but if I hear one of them bitching about Obummer they might get decapitated with a 22 inch swiss knocker. One plays whammy bar and the other a one note lead. The more reliable is making a decent living flying airplanes. He's moved on.
As I sat down to a Mexican dinner with Russell for the first time in months, we discuss ways of making one last attempt to get together and jam. When we stick with bar tunes, we are one and the same, not much so when it comes to my own stuff. It's a difference in styles that clashes with the simple melodies of The TEs. Then again I tend to really shy away from those who disagree with the melody philosophy of The Townedgers, they're not progressive rock, it's simple melody concurring with the thoughts of my mental state at that time. Some albums are very much a diary and I rather not have them being altered. And the personal nature of Pawnshops Of Olivia make it hard to revisit some of those songs. But Forthcoming Trains was, for the first time in years, an album that I just went on flow and feelings and what was written on the spot.
I do admit this, that paying more attention to see what I can find in the pawnshops or dollar bins at thrift stores took priority over my drumming and band activities and had I proceeded to translate that into my drum playing that perhaps I could rival Neil Peart or Gavin Harrison but I was a record collector first and musician second. Therefore The Townedgers were just that, a curio band that hardly anybody heard outside of friends and a couple fans. A hobby but it's a hobby that I happy to play from time to time and be happy with the results. Not all of it works but the ones that do stand out sound good on the radio when played. Perhaps I'll put the best together to make a decent best of. Hopefully I can find the right 12 songs for that. Maybe somewhere down the line I might get some faraway fans to seek me out for a comeback, just like they did with Rodriguez.
When you reach the 50s, time becomes more precious than when you were 30 or 40 and that there's no guarantee that you'll be around tomorrow. I don't think I am punishing Russell or blowing him off when talk of getting us back together to jam, shit happens in life and it has happened in bunches this year. We have work, he has golf on the weekends when the weather is over 40 degrees and basically lives a full life with his wife, doggie and cats. I'm not much of a cat fan and even less so when I'm around cats with attitudes. I'd love nothing more to wall Louie up in the bass drum and get a double bass petal and do Slipknot solos. There some cats I like, Bud and Lovie up at my brother's work place, Cosmo a few examples, but Louie creeps me out half the time. Which explains why I don't show up much over at my best friend's place. Plus he lives way across town.
I sold Matt, Russ's son my old Yamaha drum set to which Russ mentioned that they're now over at his place since Matt has gotten married and living a full life of work and school and no time for drums. So actually I'll be playing my old set that was a big part of the classic record years of the early 90s up to 2003's 20 before the DW replaced that set. So at least I won't have to tote my drums down there. The question remains of finding time from our busy life and playing together. But while my best friend continues to dream about a world tour and big recording career just like the old days, I'll be content with just getting together and jamming and perhaps maybe get to the corner bar for a fun filled evening and having a good time. And picking the best 3 cymbals instead of the usual 49 that I used on the last Tyrus show. I still have to haul these things without any help and I'm 53 now.
The Townedgers themselves, Martin continues to produce and record up and coming acts, Geoff is playing in his daughters band and we have not done much communicating since Forthcoming Trains wrapped up. Geoff played all over 30 but not as much on Forthcoming Trains which left me to do a lot of the guitar parts. But I have done that in the past as well. A band collective means anybody shows up gets credit for the album but I don't really reveal who played what on the songs. But we all know who did what on them.
It's a been 15 years when I first met Lisa and it was a year ago that we last emailed each other. Things happen in life and you either grow together or grow further apart. But I do give her credit for inspiring me to write a great album based upon our time together. We were not destined to grow old together but all the same I enjoyed the time we did spend with each other.
My favorite albums of 2014? Not a very long list but the ones that stood out was the Dylan Basement Tapes Raw album and The Strypes Snapshot. The worst one? Lana Del Rey Ultraviolence, I didn't get that one at all.
Going to St Louis was a fun time and I went there between the Ferguson riots but my place of sanctuary The Chain Of Rocks Bridge has been neglected once again. Some fuckers defaced and tagged up the fire engine and the once pretty Route 66 sings. Can't have anything nice down there. Nobody cares anymore.
The future of the TEs after the next album, I can't say. One day at a time.
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Thoughts Of The Townedger-October
On Monday, I checked myself into ER after going through chest pains and stayed in the hospital for a couple nights. The prime result was high blood pressure and I basically took it easy among walking around in those skimpy gowns the hospital gives you when you go there. So I'm supposed to take it easy, so here I am, a couple hours released from the hospital. Being tired somewhat from not sleeping very well, nobody ever sleeps in a hospital, I believe that I will make it.
Lucky Star Radio has been very helpful in promoting the new TE album, with key album tracks being played at random. Diggy Kat has been gracious in giving me my own show on net radio, called (what else) Townedger Radio, to promote the TEs and other forgotten music. The first show went on without any problems and if I'm not dead yet, more shows will be on the way, third Wednesday night of every month at Midnight CST.
I'm committed to put out a new TE album next spring as well. Hasn't been much going on in discussions with Martin or Geoff, being that Geoff is more into getting his daughters' band going more than hanging with the TEs. But there's no riff between him and Martin. It has also been proven that we could do it on without Geoff on a complete album. Highway Home and Pawnshops For Olivia come to mind. My best friend Russ has expressed a desire to help out on anything new and if there's a song that's right for him to play on, we'll give it our best shot.
There's not much for extra tracks from Forthcoming Trains left. I used End Of It All, an outtake for the first TE Radio show and got good feedback from it. There's a couple alternative takes of some songs but we were working on a strict time limit to get things done and only used two cassettes for the four track recordings. Richard Dennanbaugh is a bit more different as producer than Hugh McConnell who busted our butts on Forthcoming Trains, he lets me take my time better in making new albums than McConnell, but then again McConnell had the same theory as he did when he worked on the 20 album or Weather On The Nines although while the latter album took about 6 months to complete, the majority of it came from a straight two week bunch of sessions in late October, early November.
Other things, Russ is doing his best for us to get back together again and jam with a couple new guitar players he knows about. None of them Alex Ballantyne, a co worker who wanted to get something going but never got back to me about doing anything. One thing for sure, he plays a mean air guitar.
Every Hour On The Hour, the 1986 farewell shows of here before a failed move to Arizona I came across by accident while compiling TE Radio, has not been transferred over to CD. Problem was the original master to that has been misplaced leaving only a cassette copy that I played a lot when I was living in Tempe that year. Upon listening to it, I just didn't feel it was worth to issue on CD. The old cassette to cassette recording of it really was piss poor and the performance of the songs was a product of the times. It shall remain cassette only and out of print.
Likewise the Tyrus farewell Live Under A Full Moon. I still insist that Tyrus/Paraphernalia was one of the best live bands of the 80s but there's not much of a market for bar band rehashes of Sharp Dressed Man or Rocky Mountain Way. We would have gotten better had we all stayed together but LUAFM only hints of what could have been. Having reunited with Shawn Ster via Facebook was a fun event, but his political thinking is a bit too right wing, especially the Obama put downs he usually posts. I don't think he'd be a good fit if Tyrus would reunite on stage. But don't hold your breath on that happening. We have a couple of guitar players who are very right wing and FOX news watchers. They tend to not focus on the music. Politics was a reason why the band got put on a hiatus that hasn't changed in 30 years. Of course it's easier to blame it all on the POTUS and not on a worthless congress that sits on their hands and ass either. And I'll doubt it will be any different either. It's like Sammy Hagar rehashing Van Halen Reunion rumors, more or less the Me factor. As long as everybody is still alive, there's always the chance of reuniting. In our collective minds of course. Reality, not much so. Unless it's a slow news day and somehow the topic gets brought up.
On a positive, Shawn says he's given up drinking and is an a relationship once again. From what I remember of Shawn when he was in the band that he did consumed a lot of beer and did some drugs upon hitting the stage. He has his own acoustic show that he plays around the area from time to time. For musicians like us who are past 50 years of age, there's still a few that still hit the jam sessions and bands in the area but each year we lose a couple more, Scott Murray comes to mind. He passed away earlier in this month. Looking back perhaps I should have done more jamming around the area and being more acquainted of the area's fellow musicians, but I more inclined to follow my own music muse. It didn't make me rich, but it did allow me to make some decent homemade recordings of Route 66 who eventually became the Townedgers because of many other bands using Route 66. If I had the cockiness of Shawn, chances are I would be better known. But I was cursed by shyness and hid behind the scenes. And behind all them cymbals.
With that said, I do think Forthcoming Trains is one of the best albums of 2014. My best of list will probably be the only site that gives mention to this album. Diggy Kat and Lucky Star Radio has had Wolfie in their regular rotation the past month and I thank them for continuing to play it and anything else off the new project.
Lucky Star Radio has been very helpful in promoting the new TE album, with key album tracks being played at random. Diggy Kat has been gracious in giving me my own show on net radio, called (what else) Townedger Radio, to promote the TEs and other forgotten music. The first show went on without any problems and if I'm not dead yet, more shows will be on the way, third Wednesday night of every month at Midnight CST.
I'm committed to put out a new TE album next spring as well. Hasn't been much going on in discussions with Martin or Geoff, being that Geoff is more into getting his daughters' band going more than hanging with the TEs. But there's no riff between him and Martin. It has also been proven that we could do it on without Geoff on a complete album. Highway Home and Pawnshops For Olivia come to mind. My best friend Russ has expressed a desire to help out on anything new and if there's a song that's right for him to play on, we'll give it our best shot.
There's not much for extra tracks from Forthcoming Trains left. I used End Of It All, an outtake for the first TE Radio show and got good feedback from it. There's a couple alternative takes of some songs but we were working on a strict time limit to get things done and only used two cassettes for the four track recordings. Richard Dennanbaugh is a bit more different as producer than Hugh McConnell who busted our butts on Forthcoming Trains, he lets me take my time better in making new albums than McConnell, but then again McConnell had the same theory as he did when he worked on the 20 album or Weather On The Nines although while the latter album took about 6 months to complete, the majority of it came from a straight two week bunch of sessions in late October, early November.
Other things, Russ is doing his best for us to get back together again and jam with a couple new guitar players he knows about. None of them Alex Ballantyne, a co worker who wanted to get something going but never got back to me about doing anything. One thing for sure, he plays a mean air guitar.
Every Hour On The Hour, the 1986 farewell shows of here before a failed move to Arizona I came across by accident while compiling TE Radio, has not been transferred over to CD. Problem was the original master to that has been misplaced leaving only a cassette copy that I played a lot when I was living in Tempe that year. Upon listening to it, I just didn't feel it was worth to issue on CD. The old cassette to cassette recording of it really was piss poor and the performance of the songs was a product of the times. It shall remain cassette only and out of print.
Likewise the Tyrus farewell Live Under A Full Moon. I still insist that Tyrus/Paraphernalia was one of the best live bands of the 80s but there's not much of a market for bar band rehashes of Sharp Dressed Man or Rocky Mountain Way. We would have gotten better had we all stayed together but LUAFM only hints of what could have been. Having reunited with Shawn Ster via Facebook was a fun event, but his political thinking is a bit too right wing, especially the Obama put downs he usually posts. I don't think he'd be a good fit if Tyrus would reunite on stage. But don't hold your breath on that happening. We have a couple of guitar players who are very right wing and FOX news watchers. They tend to not focus on the music. Politics was a reason why the band got put on a hiatus that hasn't changed in 30 years. Of course it's easier to blame it all on the POTUS and not on a worthless congress that sits on their hands and ass either. And I'll doubt it will be any different either. It's like Sammy Hagar rehashing Van Halen Reunion rumors, more or less the Me factor. As long as everybody is still alive, there's always the chance of reuniting. In our collective minds of course. Reality, not much so. Unless it's a slow news day and somehow the topic gets brought up.
On a positive, Shawn says he's given up drinking and is an a relationship once again. From what I remember of Shawn when he was in the band that he did consumed a lot of beer and did some drugs upon hitting the stage. He has his own acoustic show that he plays around the area from time to time. For musicians like us who are past 50 years of age, there's still a few that still hit the jam sessions and bands in the area but each year we lose a couple more, Scott Murray comes to mind. He passed away earlier in this month. Looking back perhaps I should have done more jamming around the area and being more acquainted of the area's fellow musicians, but I more inclined to follow my own music muse. It didn't make me rich, but it did allow me to make some decent homemade recordings of Route 66 who eventually became the Townedgers because of many other bands using Route 66. If I had the cockiness of Shawn, chances are I would be better known. But I was cursed by shyness and hid behind the scenes. And behind all them cymbals.
With that said, I do think Forthcoming Trains is one of the best albums of 2014. My best of list will probably be the only site that gives mention to this album. Diggy Kat and Lucky Star Radio has had Wolfie in their regular rotation the past month and I thank them for continuing to play it and anything else off the new project.
Monday, 13 October 2014
Last Dance
Last Dance (Smith/Orbit)
It was homecoming and I arrived alone
Couldn't drive then so instead I walked
When I got there then came the feeling
That I didn't belong and wanted to go home
Then a voice in my head said that you'll never know
There maybe someone there waiting just for you
So in a mist of it all those stares I decided to stay
But for how long till the end of the show
And then somebody said first chance for romance
Grab a sweetheart and get closer than this
Well you can't go out and dance by yourself
So I grabbed a drink and begin to look and see
Anybody there that didn't have a date
But it seemed to me there was no one to take
And then someone said 2nd chance for romance
Hold your honey it doesn't get any better than this
So tell me what I'm doing here
I should be somewhere where I can have fun
There's a girl there unattached
I could ask but I don't want to be turned down
It was midnight and time ran out on me
As I got ready to take the long walk home
And as I walk on the tracks back into town
Came the voice as it cut through the wind
Last dance last chance for romance
Grab your honey and kiss her goodnight
Maybe next time
Another night
I won't worry
I'll sleep at night
(C) 1995
In the early 90s, the songs I wrote were a diary of happenings long time ago. Chance of love failed. This particular number came during Homecoming 1977 when I arrived at the old Best Western a day early before the actual dance itself. My mom dropped me off and I had these pointy toed dress up shoes. This song came upon previous dances when I showed up alone and too shy to ask anybody out.
Not one of the better TE songs, this was found like After You Go, in a pile of papers while cleaning out the hoarder house. This did appeared on These Things Must Pass.
It was homecoming and I arrived alone
Couldn't drive then so instead I walked
When I got there then came the feeling
That I didn't belong and wanted to go home
Then a voice in my head said that you'll never know
There maybe someone there waiting just for you
So in a mist of it all those stares I decided to stay
But for how long till the end of the show
And then somebody said first chance for romance
Grab a sweetheart and get closer than this
Well you can't go out and dance by yourself
So I grabbed a drink and begin to look and see
Anybody there that didn't have a date
But it seemed to me there was no one to take
And then someone said 2nd chance for romance
Hold your honey it doesn't get any better than this
So tell me what I'm doing here
I should be somewhere where I can have fun
There's a girl there unattached
I could ask but I don't want to be turned down
It was midnight and time ran out on me
As I got ready to take the long walk home
And as I walk on the tracks back into town
Came the voice as it cut through the wind
Last dance last chance for romance
Grab your honey and kiss her goodnight
Maybe next time
Another night
I won't worry
I'll sleep at night
(C) 1995
In the early 90s, the songs I wrote were a diary of happenings long time ago. Chance of love failed. This particular number came during Homecoming 1977 when I arrived at the old Best Western a day early before the actual dance itself. My mom dropped me off and I had these pointy toed dress up shoes. This song came upon previous dances when I showed up alone and too shy to ask anybody out.
Not one of the better TE songs, this was found like After You Go, in a pile of papers while cleaning out the hoarder house. This did appeared on These Things Must Pass.
After You Go
After You Go (Smith/Orbit)
The walls will remain the same
And the room is empty as it seems
One less smile at the end of the day
It will be like that after you go
The eyes I long to see are missing
No more spoken words, less the kissing
The love that was made is now history
The bed is all mine again, after you go, after you go
You will never know who loves you more
Maybe it's best that you don't know at all
Sometimes I think it's best never to love
Than to share someone that you'll never have
you'll never have.
Lovers never know how to share themselves
In the moments together few and far between
I only wish I could have express myself a little better
Than to wait till after you go, after you go
(C) 2003
Something from the 20 album. Found the lyrics while cleaning the basement.
The walls will remain the same
And the room is empty as it seems
One less smile at the end of the day
It will be like that after you go
The eyes I long to see are missing
No more spoken words, less the kissing
The love that was made is now history
The bed is all mine again, after you go, after you go
You will never know who loves you more
Maybe it's best that you don't know at all
Sometimes I think it's best never to love
Than to share someone that you'll never have
you'll never have.
Lovers never know how to share themselves
In the moments together few and far between
I only wish I could have express myself a little better
Than to wait till after you go, after you go
(C) 2003
Something from the 20 album. Found the lyrics while cleaning the basement.
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Thoughts From The Townedger-August
Away we go.
I don't have much hope for this country, especially where things are going and where we're heading at. Thank our lucky stars we don't live in Louisiana or Florida. The Koch Brothers are evil and throwing this world into chaos. Makes you want to pray for that meteor to this planet and start all over again.
The last Townedgers album will be called Fitting Finales. If and when that gets done will be the final chapter to The Townedgers. There'll might be one or two more before that but only God knows. And me.
So you want to be a rock and roll star? Good luck with that: http://www.digitalmusicnews.com/permalink/2014/09/02/music-industry-99-problems?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=facebook&doing_wp_cron=1409676814.1383891105651855468750
The more pressing issue is a Tyrus Reunion which already happened in January in Facebook. I actually established some communications with Shawn Ster on Facebook and of course that leads to speculation from my BFF Russ about a possible reunion. We talk, I suggest doing attending some jam sessions and nothing gets done about that. Or playing for fun till suggestions about Rush songs come up and I throw my hands up in the air. Same as it ever was. A couple of things: Shawn has his own solo acoustic show that he plays from time to time, if we can make it to a popcorn or bacon jam we can try a couple of the bar classics and see what transpires. I wasn't exactly welcomed with open arms during the last session but then again I stayed in the shadows. If I make more of an effort next time then I can show what I can do. Second: I hate the name Tyrus, it was a dumb name to begin with, but it was the only one we could agreed upon. The majority of guys are still living in town believe it or not but the more important member is now a pilot making better money than being in a slightly above average bar band. I am all in favor of getting together and having fun, but if our bass player is out hitting the golf course or hanging at the the Mexican restaurant drinking margaritas and suggestion hard to play Rush or Dream Theater numbers, that's not going to go over very well. People don't want to hear that, they want the familiar and the overplayed. And I'm still chomping at the bit to show the jammers how to do Keep Your Hands To Yourself, the way it's meant to be played.
Nevertheless, Forthcoming Trains has done as well as 30 did. Which tends me to wonder if even writing new songs or new albums is even worth it for the world to hear if nobody gives a shit anymore. I love the album myself, if I didn't think so, it would have never been issued to the world. We lost valuable playing time when Diggy Kat left Radio Buzz'd for his new station Lucky Star Radio and what promo we have set up to do has been lost, the June Floods didn't help at all. So our A and R director has been sidetracked with other important things and I was left trying to clean up the basement again. Once we waterproof the basement next month, that will be a big thing to never worry about. I did issued two singles off the album, Wolfie and Just Enough Love but since net radio hasn't played either one, there won't be a third single released. The way it goes in life.
Like last year The TE 3 decades tour has been postponed due to rain and more rain. Nevermind the fact that it didn't rain most of July and August when we get a definite date of playing, the rains start up again. A New Bo outdoors show has been postponed on Labor Day weekend. With no make up date either. To which we say the hell with it. It ain't going to work now, it won't work later.
The Robin Williams suicide has been on my mind most of the time. And depression is always a ticking time bomb when you have it. Getting Parkinson's as well doesn't help either. I heard arguments about Williams being selfish when he did himself in, but it also brings memories of a musician I knew that had both depression and Parkinson's beginning and he didn't want to burden his family with his illness so he excused himself in the same way. Or Bob Welch of Fleetwood Mac fame, getting an illness that would be a life changer for himself. It's sad.
My take on this: I have lived with Depression for most of my life now and kept it hid quite well. Somewhere during high school it begin, the feelings of being an outcast, never fitting in with any crowd. I tried out for sports and quit three times, once in football, twice in basketball. Somewhere in my gene pool, there wasn't enough x or y chromosomes to make me stand out in either. I tried baseball, and never got a fucking base hit whatsoever, either a strike out or a walk and of course during that summer of 75 I lost both grandparents and gave my heart to some Jackson town girl. that I would only see one more time in this life before she told me to bugger off and get knocked up at age 15. And then getting into fights with upperclass idiots every day and being led all wrong by the Freshman girls didn't help at all.
The only thing I was ever good at was record collecting or playing drums. Oh I did my best doing those old echophonic recordings of cardboard boxes and coffee cans and out of tune guitars, but what voice I had in choir was long gone replaced by a goofy tenor sounding something like Jerry Lewis. I think the lyrics of Home speak volumes of what I think about this life. For 30 years, I have continued to try to get better at my craft of singing songwriting and playing drums and trying to come up with music that I can listen to. I did my best work the past 20 years but you'll never hear it on the radio anymore. But I do thank Diggy Kat for a giving me an hour's worth of hearing The Townedgers on his show and for that rare time I was happy.
Depression makes me an perfectionist in a imperfect world and imperfect body. The slight aggravation will anger me to a point of F bombs. It's like that at work, or when I turn on the TV and hit all the commercials just right, or when we get hit with floods. Or having a rock from a fucking quarry truck come flying out and crack the new windshield of my new car. Every set back is taken personally and it has gotten much worse over the years. Whereas I should be enjoying myself and life more, I'm flying off the handle more than ever. When you have depression, you make a lousy boyfriend and I think that goes all the way back to 1975 and Jeanette and then Janice a year later. And since then, never getting on the same page with anybody that I end up with. I have had good women, the last one was perhaps the best one I have ever been with. But there's this loner in me that needs to ride away and be by myself at some time. Like I said I had some great GFs, I was just a bad boyfriend.
When you down upon yourself all the time, you're not a lot of fun to be with. I know that. I look at pictures of myself and don't like what I see, a goofy smile, the big mile high nose that I absolutely hate. When you have depression you take into stock the defectives that is you, the big honking nose, the oddball grin, the weird way I look in pictures and I can see why people do off themselves. Too much dwelling on the negatives, cussing out everytime I have to backspace to write things, tripping over things, farting way too much, it goes on and on and on. And then looking outside and seeing it rain once again. And I wonder when does it end? When does life end? When its not fun? It certainly hasn't been fun the past decade and half. I'm not a lot of fun and depression is a big part of it.
Didn't mean to go deep into this subject but since the fans are few and far between nobody reads this anyway. All I can do is try to do my best, against all odds, and hope I don't go ballistic. Martin and Geoff from The TEs; God bless them for putting up with my ever changing moods. I don't forsee a Tyrus stage reunion, but what I'm saying is that I'm in favor of getting together to jam on a couple of songs and then take assessment of the situation. And take things one day at a time. That's all I can promise.
I don't have much hope for this country, especially where things are going and where we're heading at. Thank our lucky stars we don't live in Louisiana or Florida. The Koch Brothers are evil and throwing this world into chaos. Makes you want to pray for that meteor to this planet and start all over again.
The last Townedgers album will be called Fitting Finales. If and when that gets done will be the final chapter to The Townedgers. There'll might be one or two more before that but only God knows. And me.
So you want to be a rock and roll star? Good luck with that: http://www.digitalmusicnews.com/permalink/2014/09/02/music-industry-99-problems?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=facebook&doing_wp_cron=1409676814.1383891105651855468750
The more pressing issue is a Tyrus Reunion which already happened in January in Facebook. I actually established some communications with Shawn Ster on Facebook and of course that leads to speculation from my BFF Russ about a possible reunion. We talk, I suggest doing attending some jam sessions and nothing gets done about that. Or playing for fun till suggestions about Rush songs come up and I throw my hands up in the air. Same as it ever was. A couple of things: Shawn has his own solo acoustic show that he plays from time to time, if we can make it to a popcorn or bacon jam we can try a couple of the bar classics and see what transpires. I wasn't exactly welcomed with open arms during the last session but then again I stayed in the shadows. If I make more of an effort next time then I can show what I can do. Second: I hate the name Tyrus, it was a dumb name to begin with, but it was the only one we could agreed upon. The majority of guys are still living in town believe it or not but the more important member is now a pilot making better money than being in a slightly above average bar band. I am all in favor of getting together and having fun, but if our bass player is out hitting the golf course or hanging at the the Mexican restaurant drinking margaritas and suggestion hard to play Rush or Dream Theater numbers, that's not going to go over very well. People don't want to hear that, they want the familiar and the overplayed. And I'm still chomping at the bit to show the jammers how to do Keep Your Hands To Yourself, the way it's meant to be played.
Nevertheless, Forthcoming Trains has done as well as 30 did. Which tends me to wonder if even writing new songs or new albums is even worth it for the world to hear if nobody gives a shit anymore. I love the album myself, if I didn't think so, it would have never been issued to the world. We lost valuable playing time when Diggy Kat left Radio Buzz'd for his new station Lucky Star Radio and what promo we have set up to do has been lost, the June Floods didn't help at all. So our A and R director has been sidetracked with other important things and I was left trying to clean up the basement again. Once we waterproof the basement next month, that will be a big thing to never worry about. I did issued two singles off the album, Wolfie and Just Enough Love but since net radio hasn't played either one, there won't be a third single released. The way it goes in life.
Like last year The TE 3 decades tour has been postponed due to rain and more rain. Nevermind the fact that it didn't rain most of July and August when we get a definite date of playing, the rains start up again. A New Bo outdoors show has been postponed on Labor Day weekend. With no make up date either. To which we say the hell with it. It ain't going to work now, it won't work later.
The Robin Williams suicide has been on my mind most of the time. And depression is always a ticking time bomb when you have it. Getting Parkinson's as well doesn't help either. I heard arguments about Williams being selfish when he did himself in, but it also brings memories of a musician I knew that had both depression and Parkinson's beginning and he didn't want to burden his family with his illness so he excused himself in the same way. Or Bob Welch of Fleetwood Mac fame, getting an illness that would be a life changer for himself. It's sad.
My take on this: I have lived with Depression for most of my life now and kept it hid quite well. Somewhere during high school it begin, the feelings of being an outcast, never fitting in with any crowd. I tried out for sports and quit three times, once in football, twice in basketball. Somewhere in my gene pool, there wasn't enough x or y chromosomes to make me stand out in either. I tried baseball, and never got a fucking base hit whatsoever, either a strike out or a walk and of course during that summer of 75 I lost both grandparents and gave my heart to some Jackson town girl. that I would only see one more time in this life before she told me to bugger off and get knocked up at age 15. And then getting into fights with upperclass idiots every day and being led all wrong by the Freshman girls didn't help at all.
The only thing I was ever good at was record collecting or playing drums. Oh I did my best doing those old echophonic recordings of cardboard boxes and coffee cans and out of tune guitars, but what voice I had in choir was long gone replaced by a goofy tenor sounding something like Jerry Lewis. I think the lyrics of Home speak volumes of what I think about this life. For 30 years, I have continued to try to get better at my craft of singing songwriting and playing drums and trying to come up with music that I can listen to. I did my best work the past 20 years but you'll never hear it on the radio anymore. But I do thank Diggy Kat for a giving me an hour's worth of hearing The Townedgers on his show and for that rare time I was happy.
Depression makes me an perfectionist in a imperfect world and imperfect body. The slight aggravation will anger me to a point of F bombs. It's like that at work, or when I turn on the TV and hit all the commercials just right, or when we get hit with floods. Or having a rock from a fucking quarry truck come flying out and crack the new windshield of my new car. Every set back is taken personally and it has gotten much worse over the years. Whereas I should be enjoying myself and life more, I'm flying off the handle more than ever. When you have depression, you make a lousy boyfriend and I think that goes all the way back to 1975 and Jeanette and then Janice a year later. And since then, never getting on the same page with anybody that I end up with. I have had good women, the last one was perhaps the best one I have ever been with. But there's this loner in me that needs to ride away and be by myself at some time. Like I said I had some great GFs, I was just a bad boyfriend.
When you down upon yourself all the time, you're not a lot of fun to be with. I know that. I look at pictures of myself and don't like what I see, a goofy smile, the big mile high nose that I absolutely hate. When you have depression you take into stock the defectives that is you, the big honking nose, the oddball grin, the weird way I look in pictures and I can see why people do off themselves. Too much dwelling on the negatives, cussing out everytime I have to backspace to write things, tripping over things, farting way too much, it goes on and on and on. And then looking outside and seeing it rain once again. And I wonder when does it end? When does life end? When its not fun? It certainly hasn't been fun the past decade and half. I'm not a lot of fun and depression is a big part of it.
Didn't mean to go deep into this subject but since the fans are few and far between nobody reads this anyway. All I can do is try to do my best, against all odds, and hope I don't go ballistic. Martin and Geoff from The TEs; God bless them for putting up with my ever changing moods. I don't forsee a Tyrus stage reunion, but what I'm saying is that I'm in favor of getting together to jam on a couple of songs and then take assessment of the situation. And take things one day at a time. That's all I can promise.
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Observations from the past
Funny how old pictures can stir up memories of the past. Some good, some not so good and the rest fall in between. And sometimes the ones you see from 40 years ago seem like only yesterday it happened.
I have bittersweet memories of the last picture from the last blog, it brings out the good and the bad in me. For the most part, I haven't connected with any of the girls in the picture and only one remains a friend of mine from a distance, Jenny Hanson.
There's one missing from that Motley Crue of 1977, Anne Luzum. One of Janice's best friends Anne was in that fateful American Studies class and like Janice managed to drive me insane throughout the year. I have no idea looking back, what provoked Anne nor Janice to see something in me to chase me around the building, perhaps it was a freshman girls thing, they all seem to have crushes on the upper classmates. There was nothing special about me; I was a loner, kept to myself and if associated with anybody it was the outcasts of Marion High School. I loved record collecting, beer can collecting and playing records, I was not into dating anybody although if I liked somebody enough I'd walk them home from school. That meant something to me. Anne was attractive, but one of those snooty kind of girls that you would later see hanging at around the country club, she did get a job at a bank soon after high school. But I certainly wasn't attracted to her at all.
Martha Balster I liked a lot, Sue Barker was more reserved, which leaves us with Sue Raue Boyd. She was the big mouth but she was a liberal thinking kind of girl. But out of all of the girls in the pic, she was the one I asked out to the homecoming thing, which she turned me down. She said go ask Janice. I never did, don't ask why.
Out of all the girls of that class, it was Janice that was the one, the quintessential it girl, the most madding that I ever come across in this lifetime. Perhaps the most compatible out of them all, the one that had a super crush on me through that time but at same time we never ever got on the same page about even dating or asking out. What was it about her to this day continues to haunt me when I think too much about it. She may have been the most nerdy of this girl group, she was thin as a stick, she was a honor student, she had that Farah Fawcett do that all the girls seemed to have, she was a cheerleader, what processed her into thinking about being a part of my life?
It is pointless to ask her today and my thinking is that when she left town, she erased every memory of this and started a new life in Texas. And she really has done well. I can only go on heresay and what I think about the situation. And I do believe that she did liked me a lot to really want to be my steady in high school. I have a memory of her in class sitting on my lap. I don't know how that happened she mentioned she wanted to, I dared her, she did that it was history too bad somebody didn't have a smartphone to put on You Tube. She sat across the aisle from me in American Studies, Ann was behind me, and I basically had to get it both ways from these girls.
The question remains why I never bothered to take up after Janice right off the bat, simply of the fact I was more committed to Jeanette, a summertime girl friend from Michigan to which I would never see after the summer of 1976, I thought she was the one. And we all knew how that turned out. Looking back upon this, had I known that Jeanette would never be back in my life, this life would be a much different story.
Janice had the most beautiful and most intimating eyes that I have ever seen. She had a good smile. And I admired her from afar, even though I kept telling her I already had a steady, she didn't quite believe me on that. That made her try a bit harder, with help from her friends of course (namely Anne and Sue Boyd) and the more they tried, the more they annoyed me.
But I also thought that they did care about me, maybe even they love me in their own way, after all somebody gave me a valentine from them with their phone numbers. The biggest regret that will haunt me till the day I die is the not asking Janice out when we were alone in each other presence. Somehow I couldn't do that, it's really easy just go up and ask if they want to do something, hang at the record store, go to a drive in, get a grease bomb burger from Ole's Ham And Egger, or sit in the park and watch trains go by.
Or hell, walk Janice home from school and talk. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
But anyway as time went on, it seemed evident that Jeanette forgot all about me and perhaps maybe I should take up Miss Berns and see what would happened. There was this dance in late spring I believe and everybody was there saying Janice wants to dance with you, my future guitar playing conserative buddy doug mentioned that, thought he was full of shit. Sue came around, said the same thing, so I figured, well, I guess I'm up to it. And the so the beginnings of Colour My World by Chicago started up, and I looked her with head looking straight down, embarrassed as heck and reach out and snatched at Janice's hand and then.
I didn't do it right I guess, she snatched her hand back. That wasn't supposed to happen, pissed me off I told her where to go at the next turnoff and proceeded to head for the exits but somehow, it's a blur to me, I ended up slow dancing with Sue Boyd instead. After that I walked home disgusted as hell. The next day I was at the swingset over in Longfellow and somehow Janice and Sue were walking by (don't know why Longfellow is a bit out of her way) and we proceeded to yell at each other bout that little episode the night before. Somehow in the exchange that she did mentioned that she did love me. But somehow we managed to call a truce and keep in touch throughout summer. And somehow Janice (along with Sue) and I did ride a tilt a whirl machines when Marion had a uptown summer fair days in 1977 but looking back I didn't do a very good job in keeping in touch or taking it further. The Homecoming 77 affair came up, I think she wanted me to ask her out, I ended up getting cold feet and asking Sue Boyd out, you know the story but throughout my junior year I couldn't escape Janice's angry looks when I walked down the hall. Perhaps it was poetic justice for her when we got jobs at Applegate's Landing when she became a cook and I ended up being a fucking dishwasher. I guess I didn't do her any favors anyway and it's divine intervention that gave her the upper hand job wise. But looking back, I didn't ask anybody out outside of Sue, if I did they all said no. Only my best friend's sister bothered to ask me out in my time in High school. I really really was a loner.
As far as I knew, if Janice dated anybody in high school when I was there, I was not aware of it or really cared that much. But I do recall one day driving in the neighborhood in 1980 after graduation and playing Bill Amesbury's Lucky Day and she was arm and arm with somebody. And she had that "this could have been you" look. I felt liberated for about 5 seconds, then had the worst feeling I ever experienced. But with that, the spell was broken, I did see her a couple times in the 80s, she dated one of my brother's best friends for a time and then took off for Texas with a classmate. And then life happens. I do find it interesting that she doesn't have any of her classmates as facebook friends. Maybe the memories of high school for her was a time to forget. Pick of the wrong boy will do that too.
But my final thoughts to this, since I know that Janice and I will never cross paths again, and maybe leaving her with a bitter taste of indifference may have her blacked that out forevermore. But being a young and confused brat, and choosing the wrong one back then didn't help me either. I had to deal with fucking bullies most of my time there, and if I wasn't fighting somebody in the alley, I was fighting somebody in the hallway. Except for the dumbfuck that i should have stabbed right in the heart when the time was right. High school was the low point of my life, poor grades, fighting and dealing with freshmen girls and upper classmen, it's a surprise I didn't hang myself at that time. The regret: I didn't tell nobody about my plight and the bullies who continued to fuck me over or spit in the damn seat like a fucking five year old would. I basically kept it all in, and kept my feelings to myself, even to ones who would have liked to know what was going on with me. Thank God and our lucky stars, we didn't have social media and the internet and cellphones back then. That would have been holy hell for me. And also thank our lucky stars we didn't have shitty top forty or rap dominating the air waves.
That said, Janice (and the rest of that gang) will always have a place in my heart. Yes, I loved Janice as much as she loved me but like her we could never get on the same page or at the same time. To which I say I'm sorry that I didn't treat her better when she was a part of my life. But then again 15 year old boys don't make very good boyfriends anyway, not that 53 year old guys are much better. I am not sure that Janice would enjoy having a 53 year old drummer music hoarder around the house bitching about traffic and crappy radio stations, but even back then, I never doubted her for a second that she would have been a good woman to be with. But she found her soulmate in 1986 and she got what she wanted out of her life. She got herself a very good man. And we'll never see each other again. It's been over 30 years since I last seen her.
If we could live our lives all over again (and I really really don't want to) it would be nice to correct past mistakes and not being the self imposed loner that I was back then. It didn't pay off then and it sure doesn't now. But I do wish that I could have taken Janice to Homecoming or even if we made it that far to the prom. I also wished that she would have taken that first step too and did the slow dance on Colour My World with me instead of Sue doing damage control. That would have been the steps toward a new beginning.
But that's history. Life goes on. She'll never know it, but I was glad that she got me through American Studies and made my Sophomore year one to remember. As well as Sue, the other Sue, Martha and Jenny. And Anne, whereever she may be. I wish you well.
...
I have bittersweet memories of the last picture from the last blog, it brings out the good and the bad in me. For the most part, I haven't connected with any of the girls in the picture and only one remains a friend of mine from a distance, Jenny Hanson.
There's one missing from that Motley Crue of 1977, Anne Luzum. One of Janice's best friends Anne was in that fateful American Studies class and like Janice managed to drive me insane throughout the year. I have no idea looking back, what provoked Anne nor Janice to see something in me to chase me around the building, perhaps it was a freshman girls thing, they all seem to have crushes on the upper classmates. There was nothing special about me; I was a loner, kept to myself and if associated with anybody it was the outcasts of Marion High School. I loved record collecting, beer can collecting and playing records, I was not into dating anybody although if I liked somebody enough I'd walk them home from school. That meant something to me. Anne was attractive, but one of those snooty kind of girls that you would later see hanging at around the country club, she did get a job at a bank soon after high school. But I certainly wasn't attracted to her at all.
Martha Balster I liked a lot, Sue Barker was more reserved, which leaves us with Sue Raue Boyd. She was the big mouth but she was a liberal thinking kind of girl. But out of all of the girls in the pic, she was the one I asked out to the homecoming thing, which she turned me down. She said go ask Janice. I never did, don't ask why.
Out of all the girls of that class, it was Janice that was the one, the quintessential it girl, the most madding that I ever come across in this lifetime. Perhaps the most compatible out of them all, the one that had a super crush on me through that time but at same time we never ever got on the same page about even dating or asking out. What was it about her to this day continues to haunt me when I think too much about it. She may have been the most nerdy of this girl group, she was thin as a stick, she was a honor student, she had that Farah Fawcett do that all the girls seemed to have, she was a cheerleader, what processed her into thinking about being a part of my life?
It is pointless to ask her today and my thinking is that when she left town, she erased every memory of this and started a new life in Texas. And she really has done well. I can only go on heresay and what I think about the situation. And I do believe that she did liked me a lot to really want to be my steady in high school. I have a memory of her in class sitting on my lap. I don't know how that happened she mentioned she wanted to, I dared her, she did that it was history too bad somebody didn't have a smartphone to put on You Tube. She sat across the aisle from me in American Studies, Ann was behind me, and I basically had to get it both ways from these girls.
The question remains why I never bothered to take up after Janice right off the bat, simply of the fact I was more committed to Jeanette, a summertime girl friend from Michigan to which I would never see after the summer of 1976, I thought she was the one. And we all knew how that turned out. Looking back upon this, had I known that Jeanette would never be back in my life, this life would be a much different story.
Janice had the most beautiful and most intimating eyes that I have ever seen. She had a good smile. And I admired her from afar, even though I kept telling her I already had a steady, she didn't quite believe me on that. That made her try a bit harder, with help from her friends of course (namely Anne and Sue Boyd) and the more they tried, the more they annoyed me.
But I also thought that they did care about me, maybe even they love me in their own way, after all somebody gave me a valentine from them with their phone numbers. The biggest regret that will haunt me till the day I die is the not asking Janice out when we were alone in each other presence. Somehow I couldn't do that, it's really easy just go up and ask if they want to do something, hang at the record store, go to a drive in, get a grease bomb burger from Ole's Ham And Egger, or sit in the park and watch trains go by.
Or hell, walk Janice home from school and talk. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
But anyway as time went on, it seemed evident that Jeanette forgot all about me and perhaps maybe I should take up Miss Berns and see what would happened. There was this dance in late spring I believe and everybody was there saying Janice wants to dance with you, my future guitar playing conserative buddy doug mentioned that, thought he was full of shit. Sue came around, said the same thing, so I figured, well, I guess I'm up to it. And the so the beginnings of Colour My World by Chicago started up, and I looked her with head looking straight down, embarrassed as heck and reach out and snatched at Janice's hand and then.
I didn't do it right I guess, she snatched her hand back. That wasn't supposed to happen, pissed me off I told her where to go at the next turnoff and proceeded to head for the exits but somehow, it's a blur to me, I ended up slow dancing with Sue Boyd instead. After that I walked home disgusted as hell. The next day I was at the swingset over in Longfellow and somehow Janice and Sue were walking by (don't know why Longfellow is a bit out of her way) and we proceeded to yell at each other bout that little episode the night before. Somehow in the exchange that she did mentioned that she did love me. But somehow we managed to call a truce and keep in touch throughout summer. And somehow Janice (along with Sue) and I did ride a tilt a whirl machines when Marion had a uptown summer fair days in 1977 but looking back I didn't do a very good job in keeping in touch or taking it further. The Homecoming 77 affair came up, I think she wanted me to ask her out, I ended up getting cold feet and asking Sue Boyd out, you know the story but throughout my junior year I couldn't escape Janice's angry looks when I walked down the hall. Perhaps it was poetic justice for her when we got jobs at Applegate's Landing when she became a cook and I ended up being a fucking dishwasher. I guess I didn't do her any favors anyway and it's divine intervention that gave her the upper hand job wise. But looking back, I didn't ask anybody out outside of Sue, if I did they all said no. Only my best friend's sister bothered to ask me out in my time in High school. I really really was a loner.
As far as I knew, if Janice dated anybody in high school when I was there, I was not aware of it or really cared that much. But I do recall one day driving in the neighborhood in 1980 after graduation and playing Bill Amesbury's Lucky Day and she was arm and arm with somebody. And she had that "this could have been you" look. I felt liberated for about 5 seconds, then had the worst feeling I ever experienced. But with that, the spell was broken, I did see her a couple times in the 80s, she dated one of my brother's best friends for a time and then took off for Texas with a classmate. And then life happens. I do find it interesting that she doesn't have any of her classmates as facebook friends. Maybe the memories of high school for her was a time to forget. Pick of the wrong boy will do that too.
But my final thoughts to this, since I know that Janice and I will never cross paths again, and maybe leaving her with a bitter taste of indifference may have her blacked that out forevermore. But being a young and confused brat, and choosing the wrong one back then didn't help me either. I had to deal with fucking bullies most of my time there, and if I wasn't fighting somebody in the alley, I was fighting somebody in the hallway. Except for the dumbfuck that i should have stabbed right in the heart when the time was right. High school was the low point of my life, poor grades, fighting and dealing with freshmen girls and upper classmen, it's a surprise I didn't hang myself at that time. The regret: I didn't tell nobody about my plight and the bullies who continued to fuck me over or spit in the damn seat like a fucking five year old would. I basically kept it all in, and kept my feelings to myself, even to ones who would have liked to know what was going on with me. Thank God and our lucky stars, we didn't have social media and the internet and cellphones back then. That would have been holy hell for me. And also thank our lucky stars we didn't have shitty top forty or rap dominating the air waves.
That said, Janice (and the rest of that gang) will always have a place in my heart. Yes, I loved Janice as much as she loved me but like her we could never get on the same page or at the same time. To which I say I'm sorry that I didn't treat her better when she was a part of my life. But then again 15 year old boys don't make very good boyfriends anyway, not that 53 year old guys are much better. I am not sure that Janice would enjoy having a 53 year old drummer music hoarder around the house bitching about traffic and crappy radio stations, but even back then, I never doubted her for a second that she would have been a good woman to be with. But she found her soulmate in 1986 and she got what she wanted out of her life. She got herself a very good man. And we'll never see each other again. It's been over 30 years since I last seen her.
If we could live our lives all over again (and I really really don't want to) it would be nice to correct past mistakes and not being the self imposed loner that I was back then. It didn't pay off then and it sure doesn't now. But I do wish that I could have taken Janice to Homecoming or even if we made it that far to the prom. I also wished that she would have taken that first step too and did the slow dance on Colour My World with me instead of Sue doing damage control. That would have been the steps toward a new beginning.
But that's history. Life goes on. She'll never know it, but I was glad that she got me through American Studies and made my Sophomore year one to remember. As well as Sue, the other Sue, Martha and Jenny. And Anne, whereever she may be. I wish you well.
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