Longbranch Acoustic Jam 7-14-17

Long Branch Acoustic Jam-Hosted by Tony Nickels

Songs:

Jet Airliner
Does It Matter
The Life We Lead
Get It Over With
Ring Of Fire

With:
Steve Black Wolf-Backing Vocals on Ring Of Fire
Belinda James-Backing Vocals and Funny Girl
Mark Randolph-Playing his guitar when I left mine at home

Tony Nickels is a fine guitar player who managed to score a gig hosting a Friday Night Acoustic Jam at the Long Branch and the guy has a nice PA system, even percussion on hand.  I didn't figure upon going, but since Friday Night we didn't have much work and I really didn't want to deal with our senior complaining about doing scanning work (Hint: you can save it for the next shift).

It's been a rough two days.  I really thought about just giving up music altogether after dealing with the female hog drummer on the Wednesday Night jam and  went to bed Thursday Night depressed as hell and crying half the night.  I've been dealing with the demons of my life and my overacting mind playing games with me.  And beginning to wonder about things.

Wondering about being consumed with all the emotions that went with the making of Logic And Lies.
Or spending way too much time on the social media outlets such as Facebook.
Wondering if I will ever get that second date with Julie
Wondering if I will ever get another date...with anybody.  After all it took five years to even go out on a actual date.
Wondering if I can ever have a conventional relationship with anybody.

I don't think I ever had this type of a roller coaster type of emotions that I have had these past three months.  Why is it so difficult to express myself and my feeling to somebody that I had no problems playing music with her?   Just be yourself they say.   It's one thing being good friends, another if you do start dating.  And you try your best to support their music, their bands, their gigs and not try to interfere with them while they're doing their job of mingling with other people.  Julie is a positive people person, she loves and tries to love everybody.  Myself, I am just a loner that somehow she floored me with her smile and grace. I long to be just like her.

What would be the perfect date?  I have no answer.  The sense of belonging matters a lot.  The deepest wish I do have?  To have a slow dance with somebody when a ballad comes on.  I'd welcome that.

Upon this afternoon after reflecting, there's a song called Just What I Need that nailed it for me.

Last verse:

It could be that I'm losing track of my senses from many years of
Walking on Fences  and waking at night tired and pale
Coming unglued, I'm coming un-nailed
Wondering if I already failed.

(Just What I Need-Big Back Forty 1997)

And I wonder if I did.

Upon this afternoon, I tried to work up The First Cut Is The Deepest but I couldn't sing the verses without tearing up.  In reality, it's nobody's fault.  We live on emotions and driven by some sort of emotional gib to try to convince somebody that we are worth taking a chance upon.  I know I do.   And when the slightest thing goes wrong, it sends me into back my inner shell  I use Facebook for the fact of posting music news and so on, but to keep in touch.  But I tend to think I spend too much time here on the internet  and seldom get anything done in real life. That's why I don't have a smart phone.

Steve told me about Tony hosting the Long Branch Jam on Friday Nights and was trying to get a crowd going.  So after seeing Full Circle for about a half hour, I went over there just to see what it was all about.   I didn't bring a guitar, I didn't figure on playing but Steve offered me his guitar.  Eventually Mark and Belinda showed up and I got to use Mark's guitar for my songs.    It felt nice talking to Steve, Mark and Belinda, I really need some sort of solace and assurance that I wasn't going out of my mind and for a couple hours I managed to lose my depression and ragged thoughts. Being in this state of mind, it wasn't the best of performances, I forgot the second verse of Jet Airliner and my fingers and mind were not on the same page on Get It Over With.  Since I knew the words to my songs I ended up singing them.

For the most part we all laughed and have a good time.  on Ring Of Fire, Belinda made a funny about Taco Bell and we are roared.  Tony Nickles really did a fine job hosting it although the crowd was the regulars that frequent the Wednesday Night jam.  Perhaps getting the word out will get a few more jammers.  The Long Branch is a nice place to play at.  And it really helped that the gang was there, it made me feel a 100 times better.  But now the depression has set back in as I end this document of tonight's happenings.  

And I feel it's going to be another long night again.